Meet Quick Draw and Cootie of Arizona State Woman’s Rugby. Their handlebars are so long that they sometimes get tangled in their earrings. They go through a pint of mustache wax in week.

Ladies, you make even Yosemite Sam jealous.

For your whimsical enjoyment I’ve created a PDF of printable mustaches that you can print at your own convenience. It features 9 iconic staches, including my favorite, “The STACHIST.” This is a quick and easy low-fi way make fake mustaches without having to order any online. Enjoy.

Mustaches for the whole family!

Feeling down? Don’t see the purpose in life? Can’t seem to get anywhere in the dating game? Cry yourself to sleep every night?

You need a mustache.

And guess what?! With the wonderful Manly Mustache Mirror Clings from Urban Outfitters, you can skip the months of waiting for it to grow, as well as the disappointment that it’s not full enough! Now every time you look in the mirror when you wake up you’ll be ready to plow through the day with a smile at face, knowing you’ll get back to that mirror.

And that handsome mustached felow you see? Who plans to sleep in your bed tonight? Yes, that is you.

This past weekend, I celebrated my birthday. Yet, what was put together as a celebration of my entrance into this world years ago, came more as an exaltation of the regal hair that rests atop my lip. Instead of receiving the normal tomfoolery of itunes cards and straight cash, I came into more unique tailored gifts, such as mustache comb and wax, topped off with the find of the year: The Milk Mustache Book.

In reality, it is the perfect gift as it may be given to both the mustachioed and also to the less fortunate forced to wander through daily life with a naked upper lip. Those with mustaches may compare their hairy masterpieces with the lactose-based imitations of celebrities (all the while holding their heads high in glory), and those lacking a furry companion may bring the book into their lives as a beacon of hope as to what may be.

Oh yea, and you can read about the advertising campaign too.

A friend spotted this sidewalk graffiti of a mustache on a San Francisco sidewalk. It says “Fake Mustaches (Very Funny)” and depicts a very Dali-esque mustache, with sky high handlebars. I have yet to determine if it’s ironic or not but I’ll get back to you when I do.

When Ploof’s mustache (featured two posts back) emerged from its cocoon of a beard, the hairs that gave their lives to allow his stache to flourish did not go down without one last work of art, a robust Fu Manchu.

Currently my beard is at the 5 week mark, and I am anxiously awaiting the time when I can begin to twist the tips of my mustache.  Will I be able to put up with the Brillo pad that is on my face until that time comes?  Is it cheating to grow a beard and then converting to a mustache rather than Staching organically?  Will I use Just For Men because my beard is like 4 shades lighter than the hair on my head?  Will my beard hairs fall into such a delicate manner as Ploof’s clearly did (because there is no way he would have arranged the hair like this)? Will people ever come to their senses and realize they are NAMED KILLER WHALES FOR A REASON? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Also, it is important to note that if you really really wanted to see Mr. Miagi’s face in the tub (a la Jesus’s face in a slice of bread), you totally can.  Wax on, wax off.

Gawker proclaimed the faux mustache of French Olympic snowboarder Mathiew Crepel to be the most ironic in all the world. Why is Mathieu Crepel’s mustache the World’s Most Ironic Mustache? Quoth Gawker:

1. Beginner’s irony: It is a fake, black-ink mustache on an adult.
2. Advanced-placement irony: It is drawn on top of his real mustache.
3. Nationalist irony: A teensy, curling mustache on a Frenchman, at an competition that emphasizes one’s citizenship.

He didn’t get a medal, but he gets the Gold in fake mustaches in our book.

Photo taken wednesday, Feb. 17, 2010. (AP Photo/Gerry Broome)

New Orleans Saints star Reggie Bush, after having won the Super Bowl, is now featured in a milk mustache commercial. Milk mustaches may be fake but they’re delicious. More so if you have a real mustache underneath.

So this post is a couple months late, but last September, at the 2009 Emmy awards, Sarah Silverman pranked everyone by wearing a fake mustache while the award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series was being presented. She, of course, was on of the nominees. She did an amazing job of keeping a straight face while the camera was on her and should have won just for that antic. Shenanigins!

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