Well, I’ve recently started this thing called “college.” It turns out that while most people may try to convince you that colleges are institutions of higher education, on this very Saturday, following a winning football game, I’m pretty sure that its one large party rather than a location for academia. So, if this is how things will be- why not at least make it classy?

Well look no further for sophistication whilst drinking. All you need is a mustache. Don’t have a lip mitten, you say? Then hold one of these up while the liquor goes down!

Presto- instant gentleman or gentlewoman.

So far, through Mustache Music Monday, I have brought you mustaches from across the genres. From rock stars’ stache-based sex appeal, to techno superstars who hide the furry beauty for the greater good, and even a man who sings about the wonder that is mustachioed romance in Hindi, all have adapted mustaches to further their musical talent. But in that, one very important genre is left neglected. The genre that did not use moustaches to improve itself. Nay, mustaches simply improved my evolving this genre strait from mustache culture of yore. In this genre, the lip mitten is not an improvement, it is merely a prerequisite.

What do I speak of, you ask?

Folk, I respond.

And at the top of the folk food chain? The Avett Brothers.

They come from a genre in which mustaches are not only facial hair or a way of life, but a very driving force in nature. When you drive through Appalachia, and the three things you see are mustaches, banjos, and mountains, is it a mere coincidence? NAY! What force other than the combined strength of mustaches and an old-time string band could ever raise mountains such as those in such majestic ways? Certainly not clean-shaven boys playing drum machines.

And did I not provide a connection strong enough to the specific band at hand? One only needs to look at their numerous song titles beginning with “Pretty Girl From [...]” (8 to be exact- and another 2 with just “Pretty Girl”) to know that with staches like that, they aren’t spending any post-show nights alone. (And if that doesn’t sell you, they have another 9 songs with “Love” in the title).

Adam and Jamie may spend their hour long time slot proving myths false, but they spend the rest of their lives proving the greatness of having mustaches in every facet of life.

It’s not hard to adore this show no matter why you watch it. Exploding random things. Yea that’s cool. Answering age-old myths. Yep, I can dig it. Beating the crap out of a test dummy. Pretty interesting. Flaunting two impressive face hangings? Now THAT’S what I call quality entertainment.

Can a human catch an arrow? Busted

Can two colliding bullets fuse together? Plausible

Can a mustache turn two scientists into classy gentlemen? Confirmed

About his mustache he said he grew it as a gag, but now he likes it. This is a common trend amongst mustache dabblers. Once you grow one, you can’t go back.

OPOWER even has a contest every year called Cinco de Mustache.

Dan was probably inspired to grow a mustache on his 27,000 mile DRIVE from ALASKA to ARGENTINA. No doubt he saw into some Gouchos on the Pampas with some serious bigotes.

Well, if you’re not familiar with Mr. Daler Mendhi, please go watch this video immediately.

If you do know this great man and his equally amazing song, “Tunak Tunak Tun,” please now forget all that. And focus on his mustache. He may be singing in hindi, but it doesn’t take much to know exactly what he’s singing about.

I’m told it’s a love song. Yep. He may be in India, but that doesn’t stop the women from congregating around a dashing lip-mitten. The gorgeous bird of sexiness spreading its hairy wings across his upper lip.

Also- those twirly hand movements he keeps doing in that video? You know he can curl that stache like a pro with moves like that! Hell, I know I wish I could pull them off.

There are many reasons to want to hide one’s face. Hideousness, hiding one’s identity, and assuming the identity of another are among the most common. So why is it that Daft Punk chooses to go incognito?

Well, look no further for said answer. These two men are simply too handsome for the general public to handle. And by “these two men”, I mean two gorgeous mustaches hidden away for the greater good.

Why can something so good be so dangerous? Take your pick: riots caused by mustache envy, random attacks from crazed fans, and potential idol worship by the masses, among other threats.

But nonetheless, their album titles say it all. After the “Discovery” of their stache growing abilities, they frequently have to remind others that, under their lip-mounted glory, they are “Human After All.”

Here, in this picture, you may see on the right, myself, and on the left, Theodore (as I have chosen to call him). Now, just last night, I was buying ice cream, and when I look up at the man selling it, I was lucky enough to come stache to stache with Theodore, as well as his lovely Mutton-Stache.

Now, the Mutton-Stache is a rarely executed facial hair style that should only be attempted by professional Stachists, such as Theodore. It is a combo style where the grower lets his side burns creep down his jaw until they are graciously allowed to connect with the glorious mustache, without any pesky beard to distract away. It as if Theodore here has two gorgeous arrows down his face directly to his mustache, screaming out for all the world to hear, “Look how beautiful my face is now. I am a MAN”

Kids- don’t try this at home.

[P.S. Theodore- If you read this and would like me to update this article with your real name, please contact me at Joseph@stachist.com]

People upload their mustaches, users vote, and the top 20 contestants get a free trip to celebrate the bicentennial festivities held in Tequila, Jalisco, Mexico, (there’s a town called Tequila!) and they get their photo on the world’s biggest bottle of Tequila. I tried reading the terms and conditions in Spanish but couldn’t figure out if you have to be a Mexican citizen to be eligible. Either way, it doesn’t hurt to submit your stache. ¡Oralé!

This isn’t the first time they’ve used mustaches to market products.

[Jose Cuervo Challenges Mexicans to Grow Bicentennial Mustaches via AdAge]

If you’re looking for a business edge, I recommend growing a mustache. It’s common knowledge that people with facial hair make more money.

Photo credit Terrastories.com

In every relationship someone has to wear the pants. And in this musical pairing, Mr. John Oates wears them. On his upper lip.

Why is his name Oates, you ask? Is it a reference of amber waves of grain? Perhaps just a fantastic reference to the waves of man upon his face, I say.

And the “rich girl” they sing about? Any girl lucky enough to have a mustache at her side.